Sure be cool if you did, Blake Shelton

Anxiety and PmS  lethal combo if you ask me. Things are going really good. Sometimes I let my hormones get the best of me. Things  are going well, Sean and I are doing great and things are going smoothly. I feel like he has been looking at me in a different light lately. I don't really know what's going on, I can't try to figure it out but I can always have wishful thinking ha-ha. Hopefully what I've been wanting will come soon...I think it will, I feel it. 

I am so lucky and blessed to have so much good in my life, I am really lucky. If can't wait for the future, but in the meantime I really am enjoying my time with Sean. He is so special to me. I love him.....

Stupid anxiety

My anxiety has gotten the best of me today. I hate it. I wish I knew how to stop it. Today I feel alone. I miss my love, and not having my baby to talk to doesn't really put me at ease. I went to pilates thinking that I could calm myself and get my mind off of things. I couldn't. I am hoping that a little tv and some relaxing will help me feel better. I just want to hear from my hunny maybe it's because I'm getting a new boss tomorrow, who knows, all I know is that I really wish this awful feeling would go away. 

I am so blessed, as I always tel myself. My life is fantastic. And I really am lucky to have everything that I do. That's what I need to keep in mind.  

Ask believe ad you shall receive 

My apology

I've been wanting to tell you these words since Monday. I wanted to make sure to write it down so I wouldn't forget any of it. 

I'm so sorry for all the pressure I've put on you, I never meant to make you feel scrutinized or to make you feel that you had no say in our relationship. I know we've had a rough couple of weeks, mostly due to my own stupidity, but I hope you can take this apology and believe me when I say that this is all done. I'm so sorry for everything, the name calling, blaming, and most of all not trusting you. 

The truth is that I have never loved someone, nor have I ever been loved so much by a person. I got so obsessed with the fact that I found the right guy for me, that I forgot what you and I were all about... Which is Love. 

I'm so sorry for putting pressure on you about things that truly in the end, aren't the most important thing in the world, the important things are that you and I are both happy in this relationship, and I am sorry for not making you happy.  Getting back to us is number one on my list, and I hope you can agree. After all, who needs a stupid ring to prove anything? I have your love, which to me, is everything. 

Yes, I still one day, want to get married, and i know one day we will get there, but as for now I am just going to be happy with what we are and what we are going to become.  

I hope you can take this as me asking for forgiveness to you and hoping to move forward. 

I love you very much Sean. 

Love somebody, maroon 5

Well there was another argument this weekend about the moving in. After speaking with a close friend about my argument with Sean, he was able to make me realize a lot.... Like seam has been married before and hasn't been successful in that aspect, which makes sense why he wants things to be almost perfect. And I can appreciate that. The fighting over this is stupid and pointless. I do need to trust him, he never did anything to hurt me so I truly have no reason why not to trust him. I did bring up some points to him of what I need in our relationship, and he has made efforts to show, and I'm sure the better I continue with that, the better he wil and so on..  

Anyways... Something clicked this weekend, it makes sense why Sean is the way he is sometimes... And I get it. And though I may be ready, he isn't. And that's okay, and right now I understand it. I need to appreciate my relationship with Sean for what it is. Sometimes I should remind myself of the hardships I've been through and how long I have been waiting for a guy like him. He truly is so amazing and we really are good together, it's just this stupid thing that got in between us. We will get better.  I love him so much. And I know he loves me.

Here's to getting better and moving forward. Ask believe and you shall receive. 

Sean, you are amazing 

So exhausted, I can't even figure a song out

Happy Happy Monday, Wow how weekends go by so fast.

I had an okay Monday at work, the weekend was great. I did check Sean's phone and get in a argument with him about it. He said the reason why we are aren't already moved in together is because I need to work on the trust part in him. And I agree, I do need to work on that.... and I agree that I shouldn't be in there while I am still having issues. Trusting again is so hard. All I want to do is trust him. But I get so scared about things happening, but I need to continue to let go. I've been doing a good job! I've been letting go, not checking up on him... and he just texted me.. it is nice to go back to somewhat of my old ways, at the end of the day.... keeps him curious of what I am doing.

Nevertheless, I need to make sure to continue to let go and trust him..if I don't it will never work out. I can do it..

I trust him; Ask believe and you shall receive! I will continue to work on this... It shouldn't be too hard either because I do trust him :)

Train-Get to me

I will never stop thinking that being a Cop's girlfriend is difficult, because it is. It's constant changes, rarely seeing your boyfriend, having normal schedules, back to being passing ships in the night, or as it is now for me, having a weekend boyfriend.

Ever since Sean and I had our difficulties, its been really hard for me to have that confidence in myself that I used to have in our relationship. It's not that I don't want it, it's just that its hard for me. I recognize it, and want it to change, and am trying, but its just so hard. I have never loved anyone so much as I do Sean, I just feel so fragile in our relationship, and miss being that strong girl. I don't know why sometimes I don't give myself enough credit.... I am constantly apologizing for every little mistake that I make around him, even if it's silly...

Gosh this blog is so all over the place, I just wish that sometimes I was stronger... I just wish him and I were in a place where I knew where everything was going... I know we discussed our relationship and what I wanted our of it in the beginning of the year, but sometimes I just don't know if thats where we are still headed... I feel like it is, but sometimes, like I said, I get so insecure about it... guess I just have to learn to be more patient and keep thinking positive...

Thank God tomorrow is Friday..... I need a weekend with my boyfriend.

Our kind of love--Lady Antebellum

Wow, how times fly.... well if you couldn't guess by now, Sean and I are officially back together. About two days before valentines day we got back together and it's been an up and down experience... I mean, I wasn't going into the relationship thinking it was going to be perfect, and trust me it hasn't been. I have been switching birth controls, so my hormones are going crazy, but I am finally back on what I used to be which I believe is allowing me to be better all around....

After what we've been through, I am so surprised that Ive come this far, I cant believe how strong I am... and how good I am doing, most recently though, I made some real good progress this week... Sean has mentioned that I am very critical about things, and that I need to stop bringing up the marriage thing up... he's mentioned it many times, but it wasn't until I saw a conversation that he had with his mom that made me open my eyes are realize how I am truly ruining my relationship little by little, and how I really need to settle down with everything.

So this weekend, I threw all the shit out the window, and did just what my heart told me to as well as tried not to over analyze everything. Seemed like everything went better than expected, no arguments, no fights, no stress, tension... just love.

I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself/Sean about the whole marriage thing.... I do what to get married, I also would like to move back in with Sean... but at this point in time, I know he and myself owe it to ourselves to just be happy with what we have and slowly work back to what we had... I know it'll never be fairy tales and rainbows and unicorns, but it will be close..... it will be our kind of love... and until I open my eyes, stop stressing about trying to be perfect, I need to just let it happen.... or else I may push him away and we all know thats not what I want. I just hope that moving back in together happens sooner rather than later.... being there with him feels right, but until then, I won't mention it again... gotta let a man be a man, right?

Off to work out... I need to get a good workout in after eating like I did this weekend :)

I love our love, Sean