Saturday, December 29, 2012

Boyce Avenue- Teenage Dream

Ask, believe and you shall receive, really though.. I had THE most amazing day with Sean... movies, lunch, shopping, snuggle time, still no cookie, but amazing... I feel like we are on the same page, finally..the space is helping, I just can't wait to be back in his arms for good... I miss being in his arms, right next to him at night... it's hard, but I finally see that it is paying off.

I had a long day, and I am EXHAUSTED, had all these tests done to my eyes and they're tired. I will write a nice long entry tomorrow saying everything and more ;)

Thursday, December 27, 2012


Well today has been hard... I miss him so much. I don't know what else to say other than that. His thought has taken over my mind, over-thinking everything is absolutely not helping my situation. I know he misses me, he's probably just busy at work, after-all he did tell me that we are working this out, if I want it to work, I need to believe him, and let him go.

My poor friend, Jeannette, bless her heart... she has been so encouraging and happy to help me with whatever, give me advice, which is to just give him his space and do my own thing... I think that's the hardest part, because I just wanna hang out with him! AHHHHHH, Again, ask believe and receive, I am praying and asking to make this work.... I don't know, he's probably just busy, police work, you know how that goes.

I will probably write in here later, just for the mere fact that today I am going a little crazy.


Update, I really am going a little insane lol, I walked my dog, did a whole bunch of stuff... anndd its 521, he is supposed to get off work at 3, maybe he just got caught up in a crazy case? He has before... wouldn't surprise me.. but still :/ not one text? how sad. Oh well I guess..

So let's talk good... Good is that I have a phone interview tomorrow at 2pm for an admissions advisor position that I am very excited about. I know I just got a new job and whatnot, but I really enjoyed being in admissions last time, and the salary is WAY better than what I am getting right now, which is pretty much nothing, so let's hope for the best.. whatever is meant to be, will be!

I'll probably write later, hopefully with good news!

Alert Alert, Sean and I texted, HE asked me to Facetime tonight, I rather be in his arms tonight.... but I guess Facetime will just have to do :) Maybe he will invite me over in the middle of it? I could only hope lol

Hopefully I'll come back with good news AGAIN!

Fantastic news, Facetime turned into snuggle in person time, turned in to Sean asking me to spend NYE with him.... Ask Believe and you shall receive!

I am so happy... what a great day :)

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Boyce Avenue- Back for Good

Hmmm... last night, Christmas, was amazing. I got to spend the evening with Sean, ate Chinese food, watched movies, snuggled, kissed, got a massage, what can I say, for the given situation, it was absolutely amazing. I couldn't ask for anything else.

I don't know why I get into my own head about things... Today was fine, there was nothing wrong with it, Sean and I texted... it wasn't bad, but I manage to over-think every situation. Why hasn't he asked me on another date, why hasn't he called? I have to make sure to remind myself why we are even doing all of this--because we need to be apart. He needs to want to want me, I want him to want to want me... so I need to let go... I know he loves me, I know he does. He just needs space, so I just have to keep doing what I am doing, letting it in his hands and doing my own thing, he will be back, I just know it!

Ask believe and you shall receive right? Well, he BETTER ask me on a date for New Year's lol.. I can't imagine spending it without him. Anyways, who knows when I will see him again, I am hoping that when I do that it's as amazing as it was the last time. I don't know why I am over-analyzing it? It was great! I should be happy that it's going so well! I think it just bothers me that everything is not in my hands, nor his... it's in time's hands.. only time will tell what will happen, I really hope it's in my favor though... I hope and pray. I know it will be.

I will be back in his arms, every night, every morning, every day, and it will be great, and we will appreciate it that much more.

Until then, I must keep strong..... letting him go. I love him, and miss him.


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

All I want for Christmas is you-Michael Buble

Ask, Believe, and you shall receive.... Sean asked to see me today, well he asked day before yesterday. I am so excited. He actually stopped by last night, Christmas Eve, to give me flowers and give me a hug and kisses, I was amazed... he's really trying to win me back... maybe this is it... maybe he is the one, and I knew it all along. I am completely falling head over heals in love with him again... I guess maybe this is the real thing. All this bull shit and heartache, is finally going away.

But I am scared. I hope he is serious this time around, because I can't bear to be without him again... So I guess we are dating again... I don't know, don't want to get my hopes up, but it seems like it is working out. I am excited.

I cannot wait to see him tomorrow.

If you ever read this Sean, I love you with all my heart, and I hope that you never stop trying to make this work.

I'll write later.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I won't give up-Jason Mraz

I think the hardest part of this, is that I don't want to give up. I know he is the one, and I know that he will come back. When is my question.... I just want to know when.... that's the hardest part for me. We talked last night before I went out with the girls for a girls night, and it felt like we were together in a way.... I had mentioned NYE and asked what he was doing... he said probably nothing, I said oh me either... I made it blatantly obvious that I want to hang with him that night, even just to have a movie night ring in the new year and go our separate ways.

One of the hardest things is letting him initiate everything. I am always the planner and the one organizing everything, It's like... well why can't he just ask me to hang out? I am wondering when the next time I see him will be... I am not really sure, and unfortunately in order for me to give him the space that he needs, I can't smother him with texts... I only text when he texts me first... I haven't called... I think I have been doing really good. Just like I said, it just kills me to know that he doesn't initiate anything yet, but I guess I can see where he is coming from, he needs to heal.... I guess the good thing is, the more I am gone, the more he misses me.

I just truly can't wait until I see his face again. I miss him, and I want to be with him more than anything. I hope he truly means the words he has been saying, I think he does...I just want everything to be fixed! It will.. I have hope.... I will continue to be strong and keep praying. I love him.... I can't wait for the future.

Until tomorrow.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I stay in love- Mariah Carey

Hmm.. what a day... woke up to my dad letting me know I had a present on my car...? a present? from who? There it was, on my windshield.... a perfectly wrapped gold box with a beautiful necklace on it with a note saying "I'm Sorry"... from Sean, of course... my heart in my stomach, knots all day... got a few texts saying that he was sorry and that he knows what he did was wrong... and that he doesn't think we should be together right now... (I agree with him, we don't have much trust and he's got a lot of work to do)... So after I get all these texts, I think okay I can be strong.. he's saying everything I need to know right there....

But I give in, I text him, do you have time to talk? Yeah, he does... he's on the way to Julian to house sit for the week and I guess I must've caught him just in the right time.. we spoke.. I needed to clarify what was going on, because I was still confused, he said he wanted to give me a gift to show me he loved me and cared about me. He just said that he wanted to make it a starting point to us talking and that he is very sorry about everything that he did and that he wasn't honest with me. Unfortunately we couldn't talk very long, he was driving to Julian, but he said he'd call me, so I guess we will see....

I mean, I don't think that its healthy we are together, he has a lot of growing up to do, and I probably do too... but deep down in my gut I feel like this is it....I don't know.. I'll update when I talk to him later tonight

Well, I talked to him, This is saturday morning now... time will tell all.. se says he's coming back... I'll believe it when I see it...

Deep down inside, I know he'll be back.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Usher and Romero-Promise

well, today is not the end of the day.. that's a good thing. Have a wonderful evening with Malu, worked out a bunch and was able to talk to someone about everything going on with Sean... She thinks maybe he had met a girl in the process of us breaking up? I don't think that's in Sean's character, but who knows? I thought I knew him and apparently I don't. Or do I and he's just confused as all fuck? who knows... all I know is that my heart aches every time I think of him... I want nothing but to be with him, why can't he just see that? I hope he does soon... I miss him... his touch, his smile... I can't imagine him being with another girl... it kills me. I better stop before I start bawling...

I just hope he comes back...soon... I love him so much.

Goodnight world.... until tomorrow

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Let him fly- Jessica Simpson

What a day... much better than yesterday THANK GOD.. Woke up nice and early, with the encouragement of my friend, Malu, and went and had a good workout... went to work, worked a lot, got off work and took my mom shopping.... had a whole full day, and now here I am, at home... in bed.. missing Sean. What is wrong with me? Why must I care for this guy who is off talking to other girls and moving on so quickly? When I mentioned he was moving on to his mom, she said 'I wouldn't necessarily say he's moving on, He is just thinking he's too young'... how do I even take that, too young you have an AMAZING girlfriend? who treats him like her king? Or is that just another one of the excuses he uses to make himself feel better about this whole breakup? He's got issues, I know he does... he needs to seek help...

And STILL, after all this bull shit, my heart aches and aches and aches for him... how will it stop?

I must continue to make myself busy.... I wonder when I will hear from him next.... Christmas? 6 days away... would be kind of shitty not to hear from him on Christmas...then again, it's shitty not hearing from him everyday...

You know, if we ever do get back together, I want him to read this blog.. so he can see how much pain he put me through.

As for the rest of this entry, today has been a good day, so I will not dwell.. Life is good, I cannot complain. Tomorrow is thursday, one day closer to the weekend and a whole ten days off from work!

Goodnight people out there...

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Make you feel my love-Adele

Where do I even begin... I was in love, so madly, deeply in love... His name was Sean. I met him on OkCupid about a year ago.... what a whirlwind.  I had been single for two years straight previously, and really had the opportunity to find myself, find what I want, and find what I needed in a relationship, so when I met him, I knew he was the one. A year went by, and of course slight troubles arose...nothing too serious, in my opinion, I was so in love that I didn't care... This was the guy I am going to marry, I said to myself. I couldn't believe that I was so sure about it either, I never understood when people said 'you just know' until I felt it....

About a month after a year anniversary, we decided to break, for multiple reasons... mostly because of commitment on his side. I was devastated...but was willing to do anything possible to work things out, after all... this is the guy that I want to marry. So we decided to do things on "our terms"... we would give each other space, but still talk...he's my best friend, I couldn't imagine living one day without speaking to him....We would continue to work on ourselves, not go out and find anyone, but if someone did enter our lives, theres not much to do about that... Little to my knowledge, he was already moving on and meeting people... I wish I could be angry at him for it, it would make this whole break up thing so much easier than it currently is...I met with him and told him that he broke my heart, and that I can't believe he could hurt me so bad... and lie to me about this. He could have told me that he wanted to see other people and eliminated me from him life... but he didn't. The one thing I held on to from our last conversation that he said to me, was that he will come back to me... I don't know how true that is considering the fact that the end of our relationship wasn't very honest on his part....

Yes, I do hope its true, because my heart aches everyday... there hasn't been one day that has gone by in which I haven't thought and cried about him... I miss him terribly. Yesterday was the first day in over a year that we didn't communicate... it was hard, but not as hard as today. I can't help but think... does he still love me? what's he doing? is he safe? does he miss me as much as I miss him? is he thinking about me this very moment? I guess I will never know.... I do hope that he comes back... even after all the bullshit, I still love and care about him so much.... I truly hope he finds himself, or does what he needs to do, and comes back to me.... I can't imagine my life without him, even though I am living it at this very moment....

It's crazy that after all the hurt that he caused me, I still feel so in love with him and feel like one day we will work it out.. even though that I consciously know that he is talking to other girls... I don't even know what to do anymore.. my heart is beyond broken... will we get back together? when will he even call me? this is day two of not talking to him... and it's been hard.... hopefully tomorrow will be better.... this writing is therapeutic, I must do it more often...maybe daily.... might delete my facebook, who know's whats next.... I just hope that my heart heals.... because right now, It's hurt beyond control.