Where do I even begin... I was in love, so madly, deeply in love... His name was Sean. I met him on OkCupid about a year ago.... what a whirlwind. I had been single for two years straight previously, and really had the opportunity to find myself, find what I want, and find what I needed in a relationship, so when I met him, I knew he was the one. A year went by, and of course slight troubles arose...nothing too serious, in my opinion, I was so in love that I didn't care... This was the guy I am going to marry, I said to myself. I couldn't believe that I was so sure about it either, I never understood when people said 'you just know' until I felt it....
About a month after a year anniversary, we decided to break, for multiple reasons... mostly because of commitment on his side. I was devastated...but was willing to do anything possible to work things out, after all... this is the guy that I want to marry. So we decided to do things on "our terms"... we would give each other space, but still talk...he's my best friend, I couldn't imagine living one day without speaking to him....We would continue to work on ourselves, not go out and find anyone, but if someone did enter our lives, theres not much to do about that... Little to my knowledge, he was already moving on and meeting people... I wish I could be angry at him for it, it would make this whole break up thing so much easier than it currently is...I met with him and told him that he broke my heart, and that I can't believe he could hurt me so bad... and lie to me about this. He could have told me that he wanted to see other people and eliminated me from him life... but he didn't. The one thing I held on to from our last conversation that he said to me, was that he will come back to me... I don't know how true that is considering the fact that the end of our relationship wasn't very honest on his part....
Yes, I do hope its true, because my heart aches everyday... there hasn't been one day that has gone by in which I haven't thought and cried about him... I miss him terribly. Yesterday was the first day in over a year that we didn't communicate... it was hard, but not as hard as today. I can't help but think... does he still love me? what's he doing? is he safe? does he miss me as much as I miss him? is he thinking about me this very moment? I guess I will never know.... I do hope that he comes back... even after all the bullshit, I still love and care about him so much.... I truly hope he finds himself, or does what he needs to do, and comes back to me.... I can't imagine my life without him, even though I am living it at this very moment....
It's crazy that after all the hurt that he caused me, I still feel so in love with him and feel like one day we will work it out.. even though that I consciously know that he is talking to other girls... I don't even know what to do anymore.. my heart is beyond broken... will we get back together? when will he even call me? this is day two of not talking to him... and it's been hard.... hopefully tomorrow will be better.... this writing is therapeutic, I must do it more often...maybe daily.... might delete my facebook, who know's whats next.... I just hope that my heart heals.... because right now, It's hurt beyond control.
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